Considering messages given to us as parents, and to our kids:
Aren’t you thankful that you don’t have to be perfect?
Has anyone told you that you DO have to be perfect in order to be worthy of their support, or of being believed?
Many of us grew up understanding that if we were “worthy” or “good enough” we would get the validation, time or support that we craved. We missed out on something and became vulnerable as we went out into the world searching for what we felt we needed that was not given to us as children.
As adults many of us struggle with having love withheld – unconditional love – in marriages and relationships. We might also struggle with an employer who withholds positive feedback or makes us feel like we somehow don’t measure up. We feel the sting of missed opportunities or of a betrayal.
Being told that you don’t measure up, and therefore are not entitled to support – or that you are not worthy of being believed or even protected – is a tactic that we hopefully learn to recognize as we get older.
But this tactic only works for as long as we allow it to work.
Once we get it that we really do NOT need to be perfect, or to be exactly as someone else dictates to us, we can claim our worth. We can expect to be treated better by those around us.
This is the phase I’m in with my children; helping them see that their value is not attached to their grades or to their level of sports competition, or to which friends they have or don’t have.
This is also a common theme with so many parents who talk to me about what they are facing as they work through conflict with each other and with family court professionals.
The rest of this note is for the many parents who are expressing to me or to My Advocate Center’s team that they are being told, “You are so flawed that you can’t expect any better in this situation.” They are hearing these comments directed at them as decisions are being made about parenting time and parenting rights.
Apparently you must be “perfect” to be allowed to make decisions about the care of your child, or to be allowed to freely nurture and give to your child. Certain professionals claim authority and claim that in their perfect wisdom that they can tell you – the parent – that you do not measure up somehow, and that you must be fearful and in some cases be prepared to BUY time with your children.
Of course, no one is showing these parents what “perfect” looks like. And parents in most cases are not given the chance improve upon their alleged shortcomings before finding out they’ve lost everything. Many are not even allowed to see the results of their evaluations and tests to learn what their actual flaws and faults are…when those things are being used to take away CHILDREN.
No, it’s not right how these parents are being treated – and it’s not right what is being done to their children in the process.
There is no “win” in this for the children, only for the professionals holding these families captive and able to control time, decision-making and all of the family’s financial resources.
And just imagine how the kids feel seeing their parents under this much stress? If a parent is beaten down and made to believe they are not worthy, and have no rights and no chance, what do you think this does to a child’s peace of mind, sense of self-worth and stability?
I can confirm for you that it is just BAD all around. And completely unnecessary – – and preventable.
So let’s go back to the initial concept here: if you are worthy enough to be allowed to parent your child, then say so. Act like it. If your child is worthy of having your love, time, nurturing and financial support, then say so. Act like it.
If you are worthy of being believed and supported, say so. Then act like it. Send the right message to your kids by saying, “I am worthy of the best treatment, and therefore so are YOU.”
If the people around you – especially those who are working for YOU and who are hired to help protect your children and your rights – do not say so or if they do not act like they believe this, then why would you keep them around?
Aren’t you and your children worthy of getting what you need? Please let me know if you still need help getting to that answer by emailing me through MyAdvocateCenter.com.